I know — you’re expecting me to say, “OMG, y’all — I’m so sorry for my twerk heard ’round the world,” but..I’m not. I’m just not. I’m a 20 year old kid, with some singing ability, an attractive enough physique, and a care-free attitude, who’s paid to walk out onto a stage, and twerk it! I did just that. I twerked. Guilty as charged. I twerked all up on the guy in the “Beetlejuice suit.” I twerked in the Smith family’s face. I twerked on national television. I twerked the world — and I liked it! I twerked, and I’ll do it again! I’m NOT sorry. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I’m very sorry, but not for my absolutely harmless rump-shakin’.
It’s like this… I’m a star. As a young Hollywood celebrity, I want, need, as much publicity as possible. It’s how I remain relevant in a business always looking for younger, prettier, sexier…wilder. I knew, when I slid into my skin-tight, gold-colored booty shorts, with intent to twerk, that publicity was headin’ my way. Not because “twerkin” is so shocking, but because I’m “Hannah Montana” — daughter of be-mulleted heartthrob, Billy Ray Cyrus! I expected “publicity” because my “act” would crystallize my “Disney Girl Gone Bad (read: adult)” transformation, like Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Lindsay Lohan before me! And when I say “publicity,” I’m not talking about your TMZ, and Perez Hilton coverage…I’m talkin’ national coverage! Well — I got it.
I’m so sorry, humanity.
I’m sorry that I allowed myself to be used as a complete, and utter, distraction from the criminality that’s passing as discourse for American foreign policy proposals. I’m sorry that, for days on end, CNN, MSNBC, and FOX News ceaselessly shoved my fleshy tush into your faces, and convinced you it was necessary to form an opinion AT THE EXPENSE of forming an opinion about the legality/morality of US intervention in the Syrian civil war. I’m dreadfully sorry that my desire to shake my image (and booty) has become THE MOST pressing national discussion, at a time when our President decides whether to unilaterally, and without NECESSARY Congressional approval, rain down cruise missiles upon a nation that poses ZERO risk to the safety our nation (as stipulated as a requirement in the War Powers Resolution). You know what’s easier to talk about than whether President Obama is planning to violate the Constitution by making war with Syria? A 20 year old Disney star who twerked before a nation that’s skillfully shuffled from distraction to distraction.
If the United States intervenes, and drops “humanitarian” bombs on Syria, innocent people will die. They’ll be as innocent as the nearly two hundred children slaughtered in US drone strikes. As innocent as the civilian first responders killed in “double tap” drone strikes. As innocent as the 500 thousand to 1 million Iraqi children under 5 who died as a result of US sanctions. As innocent as the scores of sickened, and disfigured, souls who’ve been (knowingly) exposed to radioactive depleted uranium munitions. As innocent as the victims of the gassing attack, for which the United States is suddenly compelled to fight a war.
I’m afraid that Syria is a mess. The poor, innocent people of Syria are trapped between two (actually myriad) well-armed factions, intent on killing. Even if America possessed the moral authority to intervene — it couldn’t pick a “winner.” I feel all I can do, as a conscious, peace-loving human being, is pray for peace, and urge our “leaders” to push for a ceasefire. We simply can’t solve this problem with bombs.
I’m certain my 5 second twerk at the MTV VMA’s didn’t warrant the attention it’s received. For that, I feel like a chump. It reminds me of a lyric from the 2pac song, “Changes”
“I made a G today” But you made it in a sleazy way.
This whole scenario is “sleazy,” but I want to do my part to make this right. For my role as a distraction from the actual, significant, non-twerking news of the world, I’m genuinely sorry. To the innocent people of Syria, who will surely perish at the hands of US “humanitarian” bombs, I’m so sorry. To the American public, who will bear the brunt of future terror attacks resulting from yet another iteration of US foreign policy meddling, I’m sorry for my role in diverting your attention away from a sorely needed national debate. I’m sorry I didn’t speak out sooner, humanity.
There’s still time to make things right. Share my letter, read the links, and call/tweet your Congressperson to DEMAND that they assert their authority on the issue of making war. And.. most importantly.. it’s flapping skin — GET OVER IT!
Letter not actually penned by Miley Cyrus